This is my story. I will start with it for one reason, so you can begin to know me personally. A few items to discuss before we get started however,,,, this blog is fueled entirely by a passionate desire to reach out to everyone that could use some daily encouragement. My hope is that we will get to know each other, help each other when we can, be helped when we can, but never judge or be judged. If your intention is ever to do anything other than help or be helped this is probably not a blog that you will benefit from and I will ask you right up front not to participate. I will never pretend to have all the answers but I do know this.... if you are alive and breathing it is for a powerful reason! I didn't always believe that however and that is where the story begins.
I got pregnant while I was still in high school. Growing up in our house it was just assumed "that you knew better" and obviously at the time I didn't and it just happened. I wasn't really upset I had always known that I wanted children however at 16 you don't realize how difficult that can be. My mother asked me to leave our home so to add to my problems I was also homeless. Thankfully, my best friend's mom asked me to stay with them, looking back how generous was that? By the way, thanks again Kaye! I also (with no guidance) made the decision to marry the father. Again, looking back, a big mistake because he didn't love me. I don't blame him how could you know what you want out of life at that age? One moment you are the star basketball player dating the school cheerleader and the next moment you are a father. A hard pill to swallow.
My son was born December 29th, 1978 and that day was truly one of the happiest days of my young life. I didn't know it at that moment but it would be a long time before I saw many happy days after that one.
My recollection of the next year is a blurry one, trying to finish school (which I did), raise a baby and keep house was not easy. My son's father and I quickly knew that getting married had just made matters worse but by that time it seemed there was no way out.
By now it is 1980 and the month is September. My mother was scheduled to have an elective surgery and had checked into the hospital the day before. I was taking my younger brother, 10 years old at the time and my younger sister, 15 years old at the time to see my mother that evening. I decided at the last moment to leave my son with his father. I had never left him and I didn't like the idea of leaving him but I didn't want to take him into the hospital if I didn't have to. As I pulled out of the drive I remember thinking I should stop at a local shop to pick up some flowers for my mother. The parents of one of my close friends owned it and I knew she always had such pretty roses. I quickly ran in got 6 red roses and was on my way again to pick up my siblings. When I walked into the house my sister was asking my father if she could stay home to attend an after-school event. He firmly told her "no" but she continued begging until he reluctantly gave in so now just my brother and I were going. I can remember thinking it would give him and I time to talk and catch up since it was about a 45 minute ride through the country. I should add that my father owned a care dealership and brought home a brand new 1980 Monte Carlo with 16 miles on it for me to drive, he thought it would be a much safer car to drive than mine. Fate was molding the events of what was to come that evening and I didn't even realize it.
I don't remember much after that, I heard voices and tried to respond to them but I couldn't. There was a good reason for that.... I was in intensive care. The voice I heard was one doctor speaking to another doctor, they were trying to figure out a way to save my leg from the knee down. I later learned that I had been in a car accident. I was ejected through the windshield into a cornfield and I'm sure many of you know that in September the corn is about as tall as its going to get but it usually hasn't been harvested yet. I am told it took a great deal of time to find me and when they did they thought it was to late. Fortunately it wasn't but sadly it was for my brother. My precious little brother never had a chance, he was buckled in the seat and the passenger side door crushed his chest. (By the way, you are usually much safer buckled up just not in this case).
In the beginning I agonized over having no memory of that day at least after I arrived to pick up my brother. As time went on I realized that maybe it was a blessing. This I do know, there was a stop sign on that country road and I either stopped and didn't see the other car coming (the was tall corn on all 4 corners) or I simply ran the stop sign.... which ever way it happened it had to be my fault. Later I learned that the driver in the other car had been drinking but no matter how many ways I tried to cope with what had happened I had to live with the consequences, and there were so many my heart and mind could barely comprehend reality. Why couldn't I have been the one to die?
Some details are fuzzy and some are very vivid to this day. The vivid ones.... my father left the house and never returned. Eventually he married his secretary and had another child. My grandmother and grandfather (his mom and dad) came to help (mostly because my mother had her surgery and I was in a wheelchair), my grandfather laid down to rest and passed away. The strain of my disabilities were to much for an already strained marriage and my husband and I separated and shortly after that divorced. In the span of approximately 2 months my life went from what many would call "normal" to what all would call a tragedy. I had 2 choices and believe me I thought about both of them. There were times that my son was the only reason I hung on. There were other times I knew that I had to move forward and turn this horrible accident into something that made sense but I had no idea how I was going to make that happen. In future "posts" I will talk about how I made sense of what happened and found the encouragement to go on but more importantly I want to hear from you and how I can help you do the same.
If you are reading this you can believe it is for a reason and only you will know what the reason is. There are times that you need encouragement and times you are able to give encouragement. Whatever your situation there is incredible power in numbers and I am confident that we can "hold hands" and break through barriers we never thought possible. You are as important as anyone you have ever known or heard of. Maybe you already know that or maybe this is the first time you have ever heard those words in relationship to your own life but its true. You are valuable. I envision that we will be a more powerful help to one another together than you could ever imagine. The power of the internet allows us to reach and be reached wherever you are at and at any time. We will have the ability to form unique friendships, unique in the fact that you can be as anonymous or open as you desire. Will you join me for "A Warm Embrace"?
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